Admiration/family commitment

Ok, so we started discussing his & her five most important needs. Remember the loss of these needs, according to this author, is what leads to distance, lack of fulfillment and ultimately divorce. Here is the authors website if you care: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

The his list is
1. sexual fullfillment, 2 recreational companionship, 3 attractive spouse, 4 domestic support, 5 admiration.
Her list is:
1. affection, 2 conversation/communication, 3 openness and honestly, 4 financial commitment, 5 family commitment.

We discussed that the order might switch around for some people, for example #2 seemed too high on the list for some guys, 5 too low. I am kind of shocked myself that this author says women need money (4) more than family commitment (5)... some women might reorder their list too, but we are going to discuss them in this order for simplicity.

Notes from today: We camped out on "admiration" alot, perhaps too much. Some thoughts about it that people in the class brought out:

• It does need to be verbal , and criticisms limited.
  
• It isn't the same as "respect" or even "appreciation" - it's much simpler.
  
• These needs are interconnected, if he is going to provide the financial & family commitment needs, he wants some admiration for that role.
• Yes, women have a need to be admired & appreciated, though this author says it is much less than the need men have, but it is important to note that these "needs" are not owned exclusively by one spouse.
  
• Admiration doesn't need to be for when things are done "perfect" - you can admire effort, willingness, attempt, thoughts, ideas, integrity, honesty, commitment.... not just jobs well done.
  
• We seemed to equate - and this is my fault - the need for admiration to the needs for self worth. I would say that if a man had the strongest self image possible - he would still be tempted to gravitate away from a spouse who did not full fill this kind of need. God can give him self-worth, but he still has a need to be admired by his spouse for that worth!
  

We began talking about "Family Commitment": here are initial thoughts and questions for next time.

• Women agreed that this was a true need.
  
• Women often carry the burden for the development of the kiddos, they need husbands to be as committed to it as they are.
  
• The synopsis I read says women want men to take a leadership role in the development of the kiddos, but it seemed to me that many ladies said the need was more for support of what they were doing - I'm interested in discussing these two situations.
• ? for next week - What gets in the way from women feeling fullfilled in this need? - guys and girls might have different answers. What are suggestions for men to DO to let the wives see their commitment?

Other comments: There is a tendency to say 'but what about me' or try to find out 'why do they need that' - We possibly talked too much about "why" men want admiration instead of "how" to lovingly fulfill that need. Also, while it is most certainly true that God meets our needs I would caution us that unless we address "how" that can lead us to feeling like "well - it isn't ultimately my job to do those things" when in fact it most certainly is. Take other needs, such as physical needs, God can certainly provide those to people, but it is most often done through others, and it is often up to us to do so. Interestingly reading the new testament we are told that meeting the physical needs of the poor is paramount to serving God himself, when we DO something to meet any need, God is involved through us whether it is a spiritual, emotional or physical need. Now, emotional needs are just as profound and God graciously meets them through other people. Be careful that the "get it from God" doesn't just equal fasting... fasting of course is a great spiritual discipline and Paul even talks about abstaining from sex to devote yourself to prayer (very much as fasting from a basic need) - but fasting forever has ... well.. negative consequences. My point is: yes, God ultimately provides for our needs... and he has provided a spouse to do so.